>This…

>Is where the blogs are supposed to go!

Avoiding change

Seems the recurring theme surrounding my life is the avoidance of change. Attitude changes, relationship changes, location changes… just changes in general. I’m drowning in stagnation. I have no doubt that there are changes that I need to make, but I consider myself an ever evolving entity. I’m not the same as I was 20 years ago or even 20 days ago. There are aspects of me that to stay true, but for the most part… I change. I adapt pretty well. Now if I could just get others to change. Yeah, I know you can’t force people to change… BUT, some people NEED to! Not being judgmental, but I see destructive and pain inflicting actions!

I guess it’s hard for me to express. I mean… drunk or psychobitch… c’mon there has to be some middle ground. Can you not see that these two extremes are pushing everyone away? Dr says you need to go see a shrink… chances are you do, whether you think you do or not! Can you not see how your pride is going to cause undesirable consequences?! I don’t hate you… yet!

Words… they are how we communicate how we feel… I need some! Scared… pissed… frustrated… TELL ME! We all know that my mind functions in two directions. One is bad… the other, well it could be considered bad, too. Silence offers no guidance! It’s frustrating for me fighting between being mad, confused, hurt… Not sure how to react… just looking for a little nudge in A direction! Probably won’t be the one I’d prefer, but a little tug on the leash or shove off a cliff would do me worlds of good! Just saying.

These are my main obstacles… I change… a year ago I was employed at a good job and relatively happy… Now… I’m an unemployed student getting by on what equates to welfare! Couple years back… I had blue hair and 15 piercings… Now my hair is more grey than anything and I am only wearing 5 piercings (tongue, eyebrow, labret(google it!), and nipples, for those that might be interested). I want to go to school… I don’t like being forced to. Do what you have to do, right?! I want some ink, but feel like what little money I get is better spent providing for my family. People wonder why I got a vehicle in the condition, that I did… I like the fight! The diagnosis… the repair…. the sense of accomplishment after the fact. I like to make something “normal”, well…. mine! Most people look at things and see it’s just a thing. I look at it and see what it could be with a little tweaking. I like to fix things. I’m a good listener and can do wonders for relationships… except for my own. I like a good debate, but I don’t like to argue… even when I’m right ( this is subjective on my part, cause most of the time everyone thinks I’m wrong, so yeah… whatever). I change… I like change, in most things. I’m addicted to technology, yet I can be just as happy sitting on a bench in a garden eating lunch. I love clean, modern lines, but some of my most valued possessions are those that have been passed down to me, some more than a century old! I dig the integration of all the electronics in newer vehicles and yet my dream car would have a Rochester Quadrajet and a good ole Muncie “rock crusher” 4 spd! I can build a wicked computer one moment and then a bonfire hot enough to liquefy a beer bottle! I’m a living study in diversity. Jack of all trades, master of none. Okay, well, I’ve mastered being a smartass! I can adapt to almost any situation and still maintain my core values. I don’t claim to be perfect… I wouldn’t want to be… too much responsibility in maintaining that!

Okay… I don’t really know where I was trying to go with all this… just laying some stuff out there so as to not keep it in… ready for the next thing… change is good… it tests us… it pushes us to be better… it strengthens us! Not feeling philisophical so I’ll leave y’all with this:

Get some help, bitch! You need it! I’m only going to be sympathetic to what you did for so long without some action on your part!

Talk to me… I don’t even really care, at this point, if you tell me to fuck off! Just do so! PLEASE!

Yeah, so if you made it to this point… Thanx… guess that means someone does actually give a shit about me! 🙂

Cuttin it down to the roots

So… I guess since I don’t feel like I’m ready to actually talk to people… well some I want to talk to, but that’s a different issue. Seems a bit unconventional was to get this off my chest, but I think it’s a good forum.

Yeah, so my MIL tried to kill herself Thursday night. How do I feel about it, seems to be the most resonate question… Well… I’m pissed. I’m trying not to be, but I am! I’m pissed because my children were here when she did it! I’m pissed at the emotional havoc that has been levied on not only my oldest child, but my wife. I’m pissed because it all seems to be pointed at me! Like it’s my fault she got drunk, took an assload of pills and then cut her wrists! Y’know, cause I was right there MAKING her do it. I’m pissed at the shear selfishness of the act! Not considering the damage left in the wake of her actions! We basically have to completely rearrange our lives in order to compensate for her selfishness! I’m pissed that my family has been put in this situation. I’m pissed that I am this pissed! Basically she has forced her will upon everyone with any appearance of caring for her. Which from her point of view, does not include me! That fact seems to be one of the key factors, at least in her mind, reasons for why it happened. I don’t fall at her feet and grovel and worship her, like her late husband did, so I automatically hate her! This leads to another reason I am pissed, the fact that she expects me to! She has turned the focus of what should be a festive season to her and her inadequacies! My biggest concern is for what long term effect this will have on my almost 10 year old! The child is amazingly strong, but is scared to go to sleep in her bed, because that night she was wakened and whisked away so she didn’t have to see the actual event, but was subjected to the fleet of emergency vehicles in front of the house! I am fiercely protective of my children and their physical and mental health! I was able to overcome the psychological effects of my childhood, but I do my damnedest to not inflict any harm beyond what might rise from the natural maturing process and I try to circumvent as much of that as possible, too. It’s been hard enough having to deal with the fact that she, the MIL, now lives with me and thinks that it is now HER house. Coupled with the facts that I am being forced to go to school, which I don’t like, in order to maintain some small ideal of income, because The government that is so concerned with my well being saw fit to give tax incentives to companies for shipping jobs elsewhere! Things haven’t been all roses and chocolates on the home front either. Recent, well not really all that recent, re-connections have caused turmoil. Factor in an ally/instigator for the other side and the odds become almost insurmountable from my standpoint! The one voice of calm in this seemingly ever growing storm has and probably will remain silent. I haven’t figured out whether it is worse to not find a “happy place” or to find one and have it ripped out from under you. Which is a whole other issue, unto itself.

I’ve built for myself a glass fortress, transparent by nature, but still walls to keep me insulated from myself and others. The few that have been allowed entrance, including me, have only served to weaken the structure from within. I care about people, but am reluctant to let them in, as past experience has taught me that if they don’t truly want to be there, then they will find a way out at the expense of the integrity of my “defenses”. I feel like I have lost so much of me in the past year, that there is a high probability that I shall never recover from it. Sadly… one voice could help drown out the overwhelming white noise that fills my head… yet silence. I would love to win the lottery! I could do so much good among my friends and family and it would allow me to escape. Escape from all that is weighing upon me… away from the bitterness and sadness… away from myself!

I’ve gotten away from blogging… Mainly, because I felt like it was just a random culmination of thoughts, but I guess that is what it is supposed to be… Not necessarily structured and formatted, but just me… what I think… how I feel… who I am… A lot of people beg for followers wanting to gain popularity. I just want a few, true friends to read it. In order to maybe shed some insight on me, to me. I had so much more planned out in my mind, but here’s what came out. I should do it more often… as a means of release. y’all wanna read an comment, feel free… if not, then don’t.